I remember sitting on my bed after being admitted to St. Patricks Mental Health Services as an inpatient to the Eating Disorder ward. I was lost and so broken I honestly didn’t know what was happening, how I would get through the next 60 seconds, never mind weeks.
I had to leave my wife and four young kids and at that stage I just broke down and cried for days. I met the multidisciplinary team and wanted to leave, but they told me things were too bad and I couldn’t do this any other way. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and I didn’t honestly think I could ever get rid of the Eating Disorder voice.
Being open and honest saved me, because I needed help and without admitting I had a problem, it was going to take me away from my family forever.
I have always disliked myself, actually hated myself. I never thought that I would ever amount to anything and it was like a dark shadow constantly over me. I have lived with anxiety for so long it just became normal to the point that I could never imagine not having it.
My eating disorder took so many years of my life and denied me enjoying so much. At the end, it had taken everything and I just wanted to disappear, it was like I was on the inside shouting for help but the eating disorder had taken full control.
I told my wife I needed help and, from that point, I believe, my recovery began. I knew I had a problem and now I needed to try and fight as hard as I could. Going into inpatient care was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I have spent a lot of time working with the multidisciplinary team, who have been amazing. Even with access to medical experts, the really hard work has been done by me, because it required me to dig deep and find out why.
I am still in recovery and have hard days, but now I can manage these days and just accept if I am having a difficult day. I no longer have the deep hate for myself and sometimes wonder how I ever had such hate inside. It’s so important for me to acknowledge when I am sad, happy, and when I have done something good.
We are all human and we need to feel all these emotions because they keep us safe, but its also important to manage them.
Eating disorders are not about food or weight, they are about something much deeper. When I started to get congratulated for losing weight, I thought, for once in my life I am good at something. This lead me to go further down the road of destruction.
I am in an amazing place now, with more work to do, but I look forward to learning more about myself in the process.
